I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Green mimosas i think yes
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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