even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
