So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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