Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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