I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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