He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
