guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
