She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
