I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Randomize
