Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
In America we eat man semen.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
