So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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