Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
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