the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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