Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
