Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
