We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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