omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
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