The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
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