I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
