True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
