Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
