No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
