I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Randomize
