mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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