i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Randomize
