I want to have your abortion
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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