I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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