First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
