They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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