my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
