Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
