She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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