i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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