So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
