Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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