plz talk dirty to me
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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