Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
someone threw a dead crab at me
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
