i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
