I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
