I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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