ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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