why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
