i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
