tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
