Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
