I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I think I died a long time ago.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
i believe in u and ur pee
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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