Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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