it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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