no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
