i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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