My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
