Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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