Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
