Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
